a constant state of becoming

after the presentations for the graduate research weekend, most of us are having a much-deserved zoning-out process. did i say most? i meant all. taking our wine and blank minds, the group of us floated down to a sunny grass patch by the river to soak up the sun and talk. freely. after all, we have - in varying degrees, been ignoring each other during the preparation for the 'conference'. that's what they call it... a conference. ha!

it felt good to squint in the sunlight, feel the grass under our feet and the breeze upon our faces.

this may be a result of many failed attempts to read deleuze (and his buddy, guattari), but i have a sneaky suspicion that i am constantly becoming... becoming something else. looking for change, or a catalyst.

as a 5 year-old, i was under the impression that one could choose one's age during the celebration of the next birthday. having no concept of time, i imagined being 7 years-old on my next birthday, then returning to 4 years of age for the next. sure, i could count, but, what a novel way of going through life if one could choose one's age once every year!

in primary school, much as i enjoyed myself (i could be one of those oddly self-assured kids sometimes), i couldn't wait to become a teenager. to be in secondary school. to join the big girls in the big-girl canteen. as a teacher over at the secondary school, my aunt fetched me and my cousin home everyday. 12 noon marked the end of the day for a primary school kid, so we had to wait for an hour or two for the said aunt each day. i was 8 then -- half in awe of the big girls over at the secondary school, half frightened they might scold me for no particular reason.

in secondary school, i looked forward to going to JC. the boys! the free periods! the choices! the uniforms! the activities! everything appealed to me, though the days spent in secondary school constituted my happiest school-moments. leaving its shelt'ring walls with nary a thought for how much (or little) sense the outside would make, i embarked on the next leg of my journey.

a 17 year-old flunking physics and f-maths, constantly confused about everything, i decided it was infinitely better to be done with the a-levels. the major exam, for me, represented a final border i had to cross in order to regain a semblance of a good life. so i did.

dazed from dismal results, i vowed to make amends. being the disappoint-er of my parents, i constantly looked for ways to prove my worth. i thought: if i can make them see i'm not so stupid, things will get better. so i did, again. and things did get better. i even started to enjoy being the workaholic in arts school.

while working to the point of exhaustion for others, i wished that one day, i'd be able to work for myself. things would be so much better then. i'd answer only to myself. and i'd be accountable only to myself. i'd resigned to make things better. and for awhile, they were.

stuck in a semeingly unending routine of running an establishment, i was, again, on the look-out for the next event that would shake (and shape) my life. planning to return to school and coming to australia represented a kick-start for a continuation of life. it would become another starting point.

finally away from home, parents, and everything familiar, i am looking forward to returning. a becoming-home beckons. the current place is not my home - it cannot be. i am counting down, yet again, the days to my return. i am also counting down til the screening of harry potter and the goblet of fire. have watched the trailer7 times in the past 3 hours. and countless times in the past months. muggle net is a good companion.

i am becoming to feel i have come full circle.

or something like that.

pooh-pooh to academia! i am finally done with my review!