♥ my cello

because wood for the cello needs to be dried and treated before it is mature, he hasn't been with me for the first 3 years of his life. my baby's german. from the black forest, and he has been christened gotzon. that's my 5 year-old baby. still pretty temperamental; he was grouchy today just like me. the gray skies usually ideal for melancholy strains failed to cast its spell.

as a child plonked unwillingly before the piano, i was resentful and stubborn. i tore up scores (usually the technical studies of czerny - he drove me up the wall!) and theory papers (i ended up in tears, usually). reprimanded, i yielded to as many as 2 weekly music lessons. those served their purpose in breaking me in. as an adolescent, i learnt to find solace in music. an incessant pounding on the keys from the pieces - whatever the fodder for that week, gave me a sense of reprieve from those supposedly angsty teenage years.

it wasn't so much that i was a recluse - i hung out with the cool people (or at least we thought our clique was waaaayy cool back then), but i never found it odd that i actually liked practicing. on my trusty ol' piano (who remains nameless). it gave me something to do, something to look forward to at home, and something to think about while i was out. in a strange way, music became my significant Other. this definitely bodes well for a commitment-phobic. a stranger who remains inanimate without me, and has the uncanny ability to morph into a heady rush of emotions, sweat and tears. it was an outlet. and a dependable one with little aftereffects.

in junior college, when dating and checking others out was deemed the thing to indulge in, music remained my sole trustworthy companion. instead of subjecting myself to heartbreak (and yes, there were several in those tumultuous years), i hid behind the curtain of solace to be found in music. it was a mantra i'd inadvertently chant to keep myself invulnerable. i told others that i was committed... to my piano. it made me feel... less likely to fall, or to fail. pretty soon, that became my outlook: that it is always better to deliberate on a distance, and then maintain it. did it not make me stronger?

and that is why, i have very recently realised, how seemingly impossible it has been for musicians to feel entirely for someone else, given that they are already wholly consumed by music in their own minds. even more so classical musicians. it makes me wonder if there's an error in the typecast - if so, i whoeheartedly wish it were not the case.

after a 17-month hiatus in cello lessons, my fingers have been itching and raring to go. again. to their detriment, for, within a fortnight, callouses and blisters have formed. and i am, in a sadistic way, happy about this.